Arrange Vs Love Marriage

In this blog I will attempt to examine the difference between love and arrange marriage. I will provide links to articles I've read to support statements. In addition I have change the name of the person I have talked to, doing this protects her identity it shields her from having to deal with family pressure if somebody close to her was to ever read this blog entry. It is a know fact that Love marriages have an extremely high divorce rate compared to arranged marriages.  

Not to long ago I talk to for the purpose of this blog let call her Elena about arrange marriages. I asked her about arrange marriage low divorce rate and this is what she told me. "A marriage is not just a union of two people but a coming together of two families, two social networks which are now more closely linked than ever before. An arranged marriage focuses on this family union. While looking for a partner for their son or daughter, parents will first check if the potential bride or groom’s family is compatible to theirs. Do they share the same background (cultural and religious), socio-economic status, level of education, similar values? If so, they feel they can safely marry their son or daughter into this family, knowing that they will be taken care of and live a life quite similar to their parents’. Security and stability seem to be the most valued things looked for in an arranged marriage. While this might seem like an unemotional way to go about it, the value of a stable marriage is undeniable. Perhaps this could be one of the reasons why India has such a low divorce rate." While this wasn't the type of answer I was looking for it does give an in depth look at the process of arrange marriages. However she did explain the drawbacks to arrange marriage in the following statement. "drawback is that the couple might not have enough time to get to know each other, understand each other’s feelings, values and opinions, about different issues. So, once the wedding happens, there is a tremendous need for adjustment. Each partner will have to learn to understand and accommodate the other and begin to appreciate the good things in the relationship." When I asked her about the difference between love and arrange marriage she wrote. "After the first few months when the honeymoon stage is over and the mundane realities of marriage have set in, people begin to feel dissatisfied wondering if their partner still loves them . In contrast, one might enter an arranged marriage with much lower expectations and not expect everything to work out immediate anyway in my opinion, there is no perfect formula to make a marriage work. Both arranged and love marriages have their own strengths and faults." I finally got the answer I was looking for far as why arrange marriages have an lower divorce rate. The lower expectations plays a big role if you not expecting my things to be perfect you are walking in the door prepared for obstacles.  

In addition this link is a form where original poster asked "Why do arranged marriage seems more successful in India?" I found the forum really insightful and enlightening here is a direct link to the forum. http://www.quora.com/Why-do-arranged-marriages-seem-more-successful-than-love-marriages-in-India it a really interesting read. "Simply put, family matters a lot in India. When you marry someone, you don't just let that one person into your life, you let their whole family into your life and similarly your whole family enters theirs. In case of arranged marriage, the couple are not going against the family and hence have the full emotional support of the family in times of crisis. They also don't suffer from the guilt of deserting their families which is one of the primary flash points in a love marriage." Every couple in love marriages know this a little too well those times when your parents don't approve of your dating selections. In those situation the parents normally stick by their child side even though they dislike the person they going out with. Other cases they do little things to try to break the couple up stuff like whispering negative things constantly in their child ear hoping they get the message. The writer is simple saying arrange marriages isn't hinder by this setback. Therefore the bond between the two families is stronger. I got to also not that often in love marriages the couple break off and do their own thing without any family pressure or inconveniences. This hinders a lot of love marriages and part of the reason divorce rates are so high I will go into more details later on this subject. "Arranged Marriages have a much lower expectations than love marriages." I already touched on this in the first paragraph the writer just confirmed what Elena said. "I remember when I used to fantasize about a love marriage (and still do). It's like a fairy tale! And though I have wisened up a little, to me it still seems like a page out of a romantic novel. A person who understands me, tolerates me, is smart, humurous etc. Etc." This leaves me with the impression that people in arranged marriages are not happy with their spouse. What the writer don't understand is people in love marriages have their problems as well some work it out other file for divorce. Marriage is bound to have it's issues no matter if it is arranged or love. The only real difference I see between the two judging by statement is there is no personal attachment with the couple like love marriage. Judging  an relationships by a novel will only lead to disappointments. Those books are fictional the kind of relationships a lot of people fantasize about. The impression I'm a left with when it comes to arrange marriages it seems more like an business arrangement than a marriage. "I really don't think such a virtual image is healthy. But arranged marriages are usually brought up by parents who are willing to "marry their chilldren off". They have time limits, constraints on caste, family and what not. They are designed to put you in a relationship where the environment is similar. When I think about arranged marriages, my excitement dies. Your compatability is considered, secondary. Do you like how she looks? She can cook! Okay boom, you have 1 month to get to know her. And though it may be practical to an extent that mature and experienced people are trying their best to find you someone who you will not divorce after 2 years, it is sudden, and you are coaxed/tricked into believing that you have chosen well."  This go to show that some people in arranged marriages are not happy. It seem more like a burden than a relationship. The reason I don't like this is because if you with somebody you don't want to be with chances are you are not going to treat them with the respect they deserve. Therefore you are bond to have problems before the relationship even begins. While arranged marriages have a longer track record it seems people trapped into committed relationships they rather not be in.  "arranged marriages have a firm root in society and culture, and that makes it harder in sharing your problems. Discontent in marriages is common. No one is perfect, and voicing out your doubts with someone is essential. But usually society frowns upon sharing such personal details (is the husband too laconic, is the sex not good, does she not listen). The people who could have given you valuable advice from their greater experience are suddenly your pedantic teachers who forbid questions, and ask you to love the way it is shown in the proverbial book." Lack of communication can strain any relationship therefore more problems will arise as a result of not dealing with issues. Asking those forbidden questions is healthy help make things better in the relationship by resolving problems through communication. How can you fix a problem if you don't know the problem exist? I understand at time somethings are best left unsaid but if you married forbidden questions shouldn't exist it only hinders your happiness. "Lack of communication means that people stuck in this phase are miserable, and have no way out. Love marriages on the other hand have the intention of better communication, and so these problems are easily shared, and may be acted upon later. This leads to a more realistic picture, but this may bring down the happiness index of such marriages." I disagree with the bringing down the happiness index of marriage. While it is true the person maybe disappointed about it for awhile it is one of them things they can work on and try to fix problem. If problem can't be fixed the problem is know an both can find a solution to dealing with that problem. "In arranged marriages, there is greater pressure to work things out. The family is that big storm cloud in the air that will pour torrential rain on your uncovered body if you so much as squeak about discontent. After marriage the assumption is that every problem is solvable. You are cajoled, coaxed or coerced to make things work, and one person or the other is talked into compromising on something. That may not always be fair, but this extra pressure from your near and dear ones does change the equation. It's not a bivariate polynomial any more. And so it lasts longer (statistics, not me). This can be taken in a negative and positive way, and is highly dependent on how your family interacts with you and your spouse." I always believe a couple should talk among themselves to work things out. Having family and/or friend make decision about your relationship will only do more harm than good in both love and arranged marriages. "Love marriages suffer from less supervision, and may lead to a rushed decision. Though there are many mature couples out there who have tested the waters before getting on the boat, there are many who see the wide turqoise ocean and would love to dive right in. In a sexually repressed society such as India, it is not entirely wrong to say that for the most of the guys, this is the first real romantic relationship (two way ;)) they have had with the opposite sex. This clouds their judgement and compels them to maybe rush in a bit too quickly." I can't speak for India love marriages but love marriages in the US lack of supervision isn't the problem. The real problem is some women use men and get married because it benefits them however soon as they start having financial problems the truth comes out. This is when men find out the woman they fell in love with didn't fall in love with him she fell in love with his money. This is money problems is the number one reason for divorce in the US. 

I've learned a lot about the difference between love marriages. While there is so much more to explore I believe this blog covered the basics. It is true love marriages begins with lust and graduate in to love over time. Arrange marriages don't start with that physical attraction in contrast it began with family arrangements. I hope you enjoyed the read and continue reading blogs. You can follow me on twitter @amentalescape